Exclusive Nick Saban itinerary at Alabama
NICK SABAN'S ITENERARY
4:00 AM - Wake up.
4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' But first, get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her butt up, and get her to deliver my Little Debbies.
4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.
4:20 AM - Think about how much of a punk Maximus is and how I could dominate his ass.
4:21 AM - Call Major Applewhite. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his friggin' job.
4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road and tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.
4:26 AM - Call Major. Ask him where the frick my 5-star QB commitment is? Call him names. Hang up.
4:27 AM - Power nap.
4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.
4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.With Valdosta State.
5:00 AM - Call Mal Moore and order him to bring me a bagel.
5:01 AM - Call Mal and yell at him for being late with the bagel.
5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough. Slam door.
5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then toss it because I want my Little Debbies.
5:05 AM - Do whatever the hell I want, except talk to my wife, for two-and-a-half hours.
7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her breakfast, buy her a pony, kiss her on the forehead then telepathically threaten her boyfriend.
7:39 AM - Head to office.
9:00 AM -- Wake wife. Show faith, trust and confidence in her abilities as a woman.
9:40 AM -- Call NCAA office. Have Jason Allen's eligibility extended because you want to face somebody that bad when you play Tennessee.
10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking to hire a new secretary and if he 's interested to have his son Mike e-mail his resume to me. Do not disguise voice.
11:00 AM - Go to Mobile. Recruit my ass off.
11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my ass off.
12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana. Take huge crap inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles' office. Do not close door.
12:26 PM - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my crap stinks.
12:27 PM - Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind everyone at LSU that it's Nick Saban's job to get crap done, and Les Miles' job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.
12:29 PM - Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.
12:30 PM - Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order, say"I'll have what he's having." Wait for Tuberville to order something healthy. Then call him a p**** and order a double cheeseburger. With onion rings.
12:31 PM - Call Wayne Huizenga and promise not to leave the Dolphins.
12:35 PM - Make Wayne give me another $4.5 million for this year.
12:40 PM - Head to my car, which some booster gave me for free. Along with his wife.
1:03 - 1:29 P.M. - Hit as many Auburn fans' mailboxes as possible on way. Swerve if necessary.
1:30 PM - Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff's Office.
1:31 PM - Beat the snot out of Auburn City Sheriff. Tell him there is a new sheriff in town.
1:58 PM - Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, then exhale.
2:00 PM - Go to SEC baseball tourney.
2:01 PM - Walk into batter's box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR. Not for Alabama but for whoever is playing LSU.
2:08 PM - Drive to airport.
3:30 PM - Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami (while it is already in the air).
6 PM - Drive to The Miami Herald and beat the crap out of the entire sports staff.
6:01 PM -- Visit Mike Mularkey. Ask him if there's anything else he needs me to do for his career. Fart in his face before leaving.
6:10 PM - Call Wayne and order him to lend me his private jet for the flight home.
7:01 PM - Board Wayne's jet and decide to keep it for myself.
9:00 PM -- Call Wayne to curse him out for not personally driving me to and from my new jet.
9:01 PM - Go into office. Plan. Recruit. Dominate.
Midnight - Call Mal. Order him to bring a cigarette relative to my new smoking habit.
12:05 AM - Light cigarette with laser eyes.
12:06 AM - 1,000 sit-ups.
12:07 AM - 1,000 push-ups.
12:08 AM - 1,000 crunches.
12:09 AM - End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.
12:39 AM - Complete hour-long evening workout.
12:40 AM Take long shower.
12:41 AM. Get in bed. Pray. Order God to forgive me if I have ever lied. Sleep. Dream of not being a social misfit.
Actually, this was e-mailed to me by Patrick, one of this blog's regular readers and contributors. I thought it was hilarious. I changed a couple of things. Hope you guys got a kick out of it.