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Thursday, August 09, 2007

Exclusive Nick Saban itinerary at Alabama

Through much investigative reporting, I have acquired former Dolphins coach Nick Saban's intinerary for today. I now share that with you on an otherwise slow news day.


4:00 AM - Wake up.
4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' But first, get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her butt up, and get her to deliver my Little Debbies.
4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.
4:20 AM - Think about how much of a punk Maximus is and how I could dominate his ass.
4:21 AM - Call Major Applewhite. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his friggin' job.
4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road and tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.
4:26 AM - Call Major. Ask him where the frick my 5-star QB commitment is? Call him names. Hang up.
4:27 AM - Power nap.
4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.
4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.With Valdosta State.
5:00 AM - Call Mal Moore and order him to bring me a bagel.
5:01 AM - Call Mal and yell at him for being late with the bagel.
5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough. Slam door.
5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then toss it because I want my Little Debbies.
5:05 AM - Do whatever the hell I want, except talk to my wife, for two-and-a-half hours.
7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her breakfast, buy her a pony, kiss her on the forehead then telepathically threaten her boyfriend.
7:39 AM - Head to office.
9:00 AM -- Wake wife. Show faith, trust and confidence in her abilities as a woman.
9:40 AM -- Call NCAA office. Have Jason Allen's eligibility extended because you want to face somebody that bad when you play Tennessee.
10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking to hire a new secretary and if he 's interested to have his son Mike e-mail his resume to me. Do not disguise voice.
11:00 AM - Go to Mobile. Recruit my ass off.
11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my ass off.
12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana. Take huge crap inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles' office. Do not close door.
12:26 PM - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my crap stinks.
12:27 PM - Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind everyone at LSU that it's Nick Saban's job to get crap done, and Les Miles' job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.
12:29 PM - Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.
12:30 PM - Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order, say"I'll have what he's having." Wait for Tuberville to order something healthy. Then call him a p**** and order a double cheeseburger. With onion rings.
12:31 PM - Call Wayne Huizenga and promise not to leave the Dolphins.
12:35 PM - Make Wayne give me another $4.5 million for this year.
12:40 PM - Head to my car, which some booster gave me for free. Along with his wife.
1:03 - 1:29 P.M. - Hit as many Auburn fans' mailboxes as possible on way. Swerve if necessary.
1:30 PM - Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff's Office.
1:31 PM - Beat the snot out of Auburn City Sheriff. Tell him there is a new sheriff in town.
1:58 PM - Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, then exhale.
2:00 PM - Go to SEC baseball tourney.
2:01 PM - Walk into batter's box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR. Not for Alabama but for whoever is playing LSU.
2:08 PM - Drive to airport.
3:30 PM - Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami (while it is already in the air).
6 PM - Drive to The Miami Herald and beat the crap out of the entire sports staff.
6:01 PM -- Visit Mike Mularkey. Ask him if there's anything else he needs me to do for his career. Fart in his face before leaving.
6:10 PM - Call Wayne and order him to lend me his private jet for the flight home.
7:01 PM - Board Wayne's jet and decide to keep it for myself.
9:00 PM -- Call Wayne to curse him out for not personally driving me to and from my new jet.
9:01 PM - Go into office. Plan. Recruit. Dominate.
Midnight - Call Mal. Order him to bring a cigarette relative to my new smoking habit.
12:05 AM - Light cigarette with laser eyes.
12:06 AM - 1,000 sit-ups.
12:07 AM - 1,000 push-ups.
12:08 AM - 1,000 crunches.
12:09 AM - End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.
12:39 AM - Complete hour-long evening workout.
12:40 AM Take long shower.
12:41 AM. Get in bed. Pray. Order God to forgive me if I have ever lied. Sleep. Dream of not being a social misfit.

Actually, this was e-mailed to me by Patrick, one of this blog's regular readers and contributors. I thought it was hilarious. I changed a couple of things. Hope you guys got a kick out of it.


Anonymous cam cameron said...

hysterical, great stuff

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the 12:30 pm one, I almost fell off my chair.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Ram said...

F*@K Nick Sabin. I'm over him already. Cam seems to be coming in and doing things the right way. I do gotta admit that some of it was funny (midnight and the 'relative to my new smoking habit'). Gators are gonna kick his sorry ass and send him crying to his bitchy wife.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this post because I hate Saban!

9:35 AM  
Blogger H.C.D. said...

I agree with RAM....F*&K Saban....

Let's forget him and the two years he was here. He's DEAD to me and I hope the Crimson Tide get their behinds handed to them on a weekly basis.

On another note, who the HELL names their kid MAJOR with a last name like Applewhite? Parents wanting to name their kids with these dumb "trendy" names need to have their heads examined.

A couple in Australia want to name their kid "4Real." Lets go ahead and shoot them now and let that baby have a chance at a normal life.

Rant over

Did I mention F&*K Saban?

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think Armondo should be talking about anyone....this is a lame post. Learn how to report something real.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed my ass off. This stuff is great!!!! Armando, you have a great sense of humor.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous dx dolphan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good post! funny stuff

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Saban recently said that he gets nasty emails at Alabama, from LSU fans from time to time. Can anyone find out his email address at Alabama, so everytime his team gets killed this year like when they play FSU, Florida, Auburn, LSU , we can send him letters making fun of him. We'll hound him through the rest of his career. We're much better off now that he's gone, but the lack of respect he showed for the franchise and the fact that he will funnel his Alabama players up to his boy Belichek in New England through the years to use against us, should not go unpunished.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Patrick said...

LMAO!!! FO Nick Saban!

11:31 AM  
Anonymous mike h said...


This was a funny blog. nick saban (doesn't deserve capital letters) is a lying doushebag low life loser can couldn't hack it playing with the big boys, can't spot talent if it came up and stuck it in his ass!!

I hope they don't win a game this year and Alabama throws him out on his skinny overpaid ass!

And yes...I am a HATER here!

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to funny, I liked the one about asking the NCAA to give Jason Allen, lol, lol to funny, Nick is a loser, I hope he gets taken out on the side lines like Joe Pa did last year, only he blows out both knees!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Helbourne said...

LMAO. I really think you should have left it complete as it was sent. I think we all could add a few choice remarks to it.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it's good to know that you've moved on. Riveting. Thanks for the latest scoop on the team, we appreciate your insight.

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best stuff I've read on any blog anywhere in a long time. I read it twice because I enjoy laughing and it was just as funny the second time.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Harry Potter said...


It was simply awesome! A hard work from that Patrick guy as well.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


7:47 PM  
Anonymous Tom C. said...

Saban is gone, quit crying and lets see what cam can do.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now the Dolphins are my team. everyone wants to say screw saban but if he stayed you all be there praising him like before..let it go he is gone prob for the better. heck i dont care that he is gone cause ROLL TIDE...

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would be a lot more impressed,if ONE single member of the South Florida media had the guts to report what an asshole Saban was BEFORE he left......

Lloyd Heilbrunn

11:31 PM  
Anonymous rolltidebaby said...

Okay anonymous, thanks for the post!! Yes, I too, do love the Fins, BUT........ I will second your last comment, ROLL TIDE BABY!

12:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should have put in there how bryan from ohio came down to miami and kicked nick satan in the teeth.

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it is obvious armando has really nothing better to do than this? What an asshole

2:30 AM  
Blogger Armando Salguero said...

Let's see, at 2:30 AM some anonymous loser is reading my blog, posting a comment and cursing on it because humor doesn't blow his/her skirt up.

And he/she says I have nothing better to do?

11:01 AM  
Blogger Travis said...

If only Saban's schedule included leaping off a cliff...

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Patrick said...

For the record folks that was sent to me in an email. I have no clue who wrote it.

1:30 PM  
Anonymous Ram said...

Sabin is GATOR BAIT like the rest of the SEC

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, great stuff.

Second, Major Applewhite was named after Major Ogilvy who was a famous Alabama player. Major A's Dad is an alumni of Bama (and yes, he admits it).

Third, but foremost, one of the main reasons, if not THE main reason, I want to see Cameron succeed this year is to make Saban look like the (fill in the blank) he truly is.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BTW, down Louisiana way where I live, there are more Beat Bama signs already out that there are blades of grass along the Interstate. As a lifelong Dolphins fan and an LSU Tiger through and through, Ol Saban Been Lyin is no more to me than a gull dropping found on my hat while walking on a Louisiana beach.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Mycheal said...

Since Coach Saban left I have not read any blogs or reports about him because he is in the past. But I had to read this because I cannot believe that people are still focused on him. As I thought, just a clueless reporter reporting to his clueless readers. Please remember that when Alabama looses a game, there are a lot of hard working, dedicated young men who are affected. May I suggest that Coach Saban not be reported on again because those readers like myself have no desires or need to read about him. I know there is plenty to report about as it relates to the Dolphins.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuuny Stuff!! Great 'Eyetinerrarry'.........wait......oh crap there goes my garden.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:23 PM  

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