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Monday, March 31, 2008

The strange continue to be, well, strange

The Miami Dolphins are really an interesting team to cover. It's not so much that they win so much (as they did when I covered them under Don Shula), or that they lose so much (as they have been lately), it's just that they find new and innovative ways of being weird.

The team that brought you the perfect season also brought you the buying out of the coach who engineered the perfect season.

The team hired Jimmy Johnson and before his four seasons were over, he quit twice, cried after loses, and feuded with future Hall of Famer Dan Marino.

Then after Johnson failed in his mission to accomplish what he promised -- to win a Super Bowl -- somebody had the brilliant idea to let him name his successor! Remember that Don Shula didn't get that privilege. And, by the way, that successor was an oaf.

Then that oaf lost the respect of the players after three years and his coaching staff went into mutiny his final year with the team. Then Ricky Williams "retired." Then Ricky Williams was suspended.

Then the team replaced the oaf with Nick Saban, who had a Napoleonic Complex and was something of a social misfit with anyone not wearing a football uniform. Then Saban trusted the doctors over the coaches and scouts and picked Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees. And yes, he lied about Alabama, too.

Then Ricky was suspended again.

Then the Cam Cameron experience with his million mistake march toward 1-15. And now?

Well, today the team has not one, but two owners. It has a rookie coach. It has a rookie general manager. And the guy running the entire operation is a ghost.

Everyone knows Bill Parcells is calling the shots with the Dolphins, but he and the team feel compelled to put on this facade like he's not really calling the shots. The entire freakin' NFL knows Bill Parcells is in charge, but Parcells thinks by not being out in public on Dolphins business, he can fool everyone into forgetting the truth.

So in a year the team has the No. 1 pick in the universe, Parcells has not attended the Senior Bowl, the Indianapolis Combine, any of the pro day workouts for the top players and definitely not the current NFL annual meeting where, you know, his charisma might move some unsuspecting GM like Rick Spielman to trade the farm for the first pick Miami desperately wants to jettison.

Meanwhile, we have NO EARTHLY IDEA how long Huizenga will remain as the Dolphins owner because even Monday when the sale to Stephen Ross was finalized, the two men would not reveal the outside date by which the transfer of power has to happen -- something that was negotiated among the reams of legalese that is their agreement.

Because we don't know how long Huizenga will remain, we have no certainty how long Parcells will remain. Sure, the Tuna told me he knew of the ownership shift and had no problems with it. But that is easy to say two or three years out. What if Huizenga, 70, decides to get out after next season?

Where will that leave Parcells and Ross?

It all speaks of a strange team that continues to be, well, strange. And notice I didn't even mention that the team's best player is dancing with the stars while his teammates are in their offseason conditioning program.



Anonymous Dr Zoidberg said...

I am first weeee look at me,

11:32 PM  
Anonymous Shecky Green said...

So... a ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says - "Listen buddy you are going to have to leave - We don't serve ham sandwiches here."

11:34 PM  
Blogger JinVA said...

Hey Armando,
Is there ever any chance to interview players this time of year? I'd love to hear what some of the guys think of everything, and what they see happening durning the draft...or even what they'd LIKE seeing happen durning the draft.

Like Ronnie Brown, Ted Ginn, John Beck, Will Allen, Vonnie Holiday, and Y. Bell.

How about some of the new faces...Smiley is someone I'd like to hear a little from and gauge what he's bringing to the Phins.

I would think with your history with the team, you of all people, would have the chance to get in touch with some of these guys.

Just curious...

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Louie the Lizard said...

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar, and the propietor says, "Listen - you can drink but don't even try to start something."

11:36 PM  
Anonymous b.d. johnson said...

shecky green,

That is such a stupid joke, yet I can't stop laughing! Anyways, I agree Armando. It's been one WACKY ride.

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Joe Robbie Stadium said...

Armando, you the shizlle drizzle with sprinkles. Speaking of wierd, remember Jimmy's wierd little rat dog that he had? I heard that dog grew up to become the Wanstash! Also, in your description of our odd franchise, you forgot to mention our akward second round playoff colapses (winning the wild card, then getting smashed by Jax and Denver in pathetic fashion), our annual December collapses (back when we were good enough to choke), and best of all our franchise player suddenly retiring and then suspended for being a pot head. Its been great times down here in perfectville, too bad i wasnt born the last time we made the super bowl. Oh wait, theres more. Jimmy Johnson stripping Marino of his audible responsibilities (remember how he was Peyton like that way?), and then hiring Kippy Brown to DUMBEN DOWN THE OFFENSE!Who the hell simplifies the offense, when you have DAN MARINO?! And then trying to make him move around and be a play action qb in his mid 30's and one achille. Laughingly, in this next list, Jay Fiedler seems amazing. Ready? Fiedler, Feely, Lucas, Harrington, Griese (the bad one), "No Knees" Culppepper (even with the Raiders revenge),Ferrote, Cleo LemonHead, Grandpa Green (he had white hair when we traded for him!), etc..Monday night meltdown vs. the Jets. So all in all, yes, fun times in Miami Wade County.

2:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont forget to add Cecil Collins to the list of strange things in Miami... How do you wind up in your neighbors closet at 3am... wasnt he partially nude too? So many wasted draft picks, its sad to name them all. Hard to have a competitive team when you have not one player still on your team from 4 draft years.

What do you all think about changing the uniforms, may as well shake it all up!

2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is definitely the heat. Most of these guys ain't used to it. Imagine finding Cecil Collins in your closet half naked in the middle of the night. No wonder why people have guns.
Tuna isn't stupid. They aren't going to have a great season. He knows it. Don't show up until they do. That is the way to survive. If you hang out with a bunch of losers, you become one. And then all the writers have someone to blame.

5:55 AM  
Anonymous Sanity Here said...

Mando, let me add to the list:


Anybody got others?

6:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about "we got a shot to be special!"

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... and "let's see that thumb go THIS direction."

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eric K-U-M-E-R-O-W!

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Germany speaking said...

I would trade a 62-7 loss in the playoffs for 1-15 season any day if you ask me.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Hey Mondo,

Has anyone checked into this report on They are reporting Jason Taylor is set to announce his retirement form the NFL tonight on the Dancing show... At first I was thinking this is an April Fools joke, but given all the talk about him being traded and considering retirement it did get me a little nervous.

Any Info?

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Claude said...

Can you post on this Jason 'retirement' talk? The Survivor rumors or whatever is going on with him?


8:56 AM  
Blogger Armando Salguero said...

Jeremy, I don't know if you're a stock holder in the satellite radio company you've been breathlessly promoting the past few days but this blog is not ad space.

So post if you want. But no more commercials or I'll delete it.

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Quagmire said...

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!", and the grasshopper says "you have a drink named Irving???"

9:37 AM  
Blogger Armando Salguero said...

People: Jason Taylor is not retiring tonight, far as I know.

Profootballtalk loves to pull stunts and I remind you today is April Fool's day.

Besides, I just spent an hour with Tony Sparano who talked about wanting Taylor on the team this year. You would think he wouldn't go there if he knew something.

Also, did you read the alleged quotes from taylor? Those are fabricated.

9:41 AM  
Blogger H.C.D. said...

Come....the retirement talk is a joke. He's going to pursue, "the dance?" Give me a break!

9:43 AM  
Blogger Ron in Charlotte said...


Did anyone really fall for that PFT story?

Good stuff...

"The dance"??? I need new leg warmers...c'mon people...

So Mando. You just spent an hour with Sparano...

Whatcha got?

9:48 AM  
Anonymous WNC Phin fan said...

Armando, the "million mistake march" crack was priceless! I agree that Taylor retiring is an April Fools thing, though after reading your blog about the strangeness in Miami I suddenly had a few doubts. Wouldn't that just cap off the absurdity we've had to endure for close to 10 years? Anyway, will the NFL schedule be released today? Isn't it usually released the day after they announce the opening TV games?

9:49 AM  
Anonymous MikeH. said...

Don't forget about Huizenga hiring Marino for Parcells' current position only to have Marino quit a few weeks later. Then the odd decision to strip Wanny of his GM powers only to give it to Speilman. Finally, in retrospect, one of the worst decisions in franchise for Culpepper rather than signing Brees.

Lets be honest, there is a reason that the Fins are in the state they are. Other than the Raiders, this has been the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL since JJ and Marino left after the 1999 season. It seems like every decision that has been made during the past 8 years has gone horribly wrong.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Little Debbies. Ridiculous.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Ron in Charlotte said...

Mike H,

Though Culpepper was definitely a BAD move from a guy a who was undoubtedly taking his big chance to win or get out, I would argue that Ricky retiring led to Wanny's departure which he deserved for trading the farm for Ricky, led to Saban realizing this time was on the way down, not up, led to Cameron coming in to build offense led to Parcells taking over and starting over. What if Brees would have made this team mediocre instead of bad?

Would we have finally rebuilt like we should have?

Maybe al of these disaster led to the perfect storm for this Trifecta.

Now we have Beck, Brown, Ginn, Satele, and probably Chris Long. We have the big TUNA at the helm and a young, SMART GM and a solid trenches-minded coach. Maybe all of this was for the the long run.

10:35 AM  
Blogger OregonCoast said...

Freakin' Stupendous! Amazing! I spit diet coke all over my keyboard when I read your blog today! Stop it your killing me with your comedic andiodotes.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The entire freakin' NFL knows Bill Parcells is in charge, but Parcells thinks by not being out in public on Dolphins business, he can fool everyone into forgetting the truth."

Um, wasn't Parcells hired to lead football operations. When did he deny being in charge? That's what he was brought here for. And who cares if we see him. As long as he keeps getting rid of the trash and bringing in new blood.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

Not a problem Mando, I saw a readre of yours ask about interviews with players. I was simply trying give her a proven option to find interviews with Dolphins players. I only come to this blog to read and discuss the Miami Dolphins. Your blog, you make the rules.

1:11 PM  
Anonymous friend of the family said...

I live in Akron, OH and I am really good friends with the whole Taylor family. My parents have been knowing Anthony and Georgia for a long time. Jason would like to stay in Miami and play football but he has told all of us that he is going to retire before the year is up. He always said he would retire a Dolphin. With the recent problems that Katrina and him are having he says he needs more time with his family. I have been seeing a lot of different things on these Dolphin fan sites about Jason and nobody seems to know whats going on. Now you know.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Frank Moore said...

Hey Armando, do you and Cole ever plan to write a book (even just a privately distributed one) about the details of the disaster known as the Miami Dolphins 2004 season? I'd love to know more about the stuff going on behind closed doors but you guys have been pretty close to the vest with that sort of stuff.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous VegasFishfan said...

hey mando - can you confirm this report I just saw on that TOM BRADY wants to play for the Dolphins and is willing to sit out this season if Kraft, Pioli & Co. won't honor his demands? He said something about it being "the biggest challenge anyone could have in the NFL to make a winner out of THAT franchise" and would truly separate him from Joe Montana as the "greatest QB in NFL history..."

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1998 draft -1st rnd (29th) John "who the hell" Avery, instead of getting Randy Moss.

2001 draft - 1st rnd (26th) - Jamar "where is he now" Fletcher, instead of drafting Drew Brees or Reggie Wayne.


6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

frank moore he cann't write a book because he can not get in the closed doors he sits in the parking lot hoping to get a word with anyone without a press pass he would have even less information

6:58 PM  
Blogger Raymond said...

Whoever said Tom Brady was trying to seperate himself from Joe Montana stupid...First Tom Brady has won superbowls because he was on a good team that new the defensive calls of the other team...when his coach didnt know the calls, Brady looked very pedestrian...get off of Tom Bradys sack any quaterback in the league could do what he has done on the same team..Drew Brees and Carson Palmer, Payton Manning, are all better skilled quaterback than Tom...and Joe Montana couldnt throw a pass over 40 yards lol

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A BLIND GUY walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. he gets half way in the bar and stops and grabs the dog by the tail and starts to swing him around and around over his head.

the bar tender yells out, "hey! what in the heck do you think your doing with that dog?"

the blind guy says "i'm just having a look around"!!!!

Q. why did th monkey fall out of the tree?

A. he was dead.

6:41 PM  

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